A Guide to Noxious Plants and how to avoid them when Camping and Hiking

Everybody knows about noxious plants such as poison ivy and the problematical safety of mushrooms picked in the wild to be eaten by amateurs.  Stinging nettles and cacti are also pretty easy to spot and avoid.  But there is a whole range of devious and dangerous plants lurking out there in the woods, the desert,  the shore, and on the mountainside – just waiting to bushwhack you, pardner.

Hikingware.com is happy to list a few of the more exotic and rare botanical enemies of the human race that you may encounter, as a public service.  Read, heed, and beware:

·         The Pink Grabemgood.  This innocent looking flowering plant likes damp soil and shady nooks.  You will often encounter it in the woods.  When fully grown it stands about four feet tall; the flower has pink petals.  The leaves are loaded with microscopic Velcro spores, so when you disturb one the spores shower you completely and you instinctively back away, usually coming in contact with a tree trunk.  And there you are velcroed for eternity, unless someone is with you or happens to come along.  So don’t ever argue with your camping buddies or ignore the friendly wave of a passing hiker; they may be the ones to peel you off of that tree trunk.  There has been a rush lately to domesticate the Pink Grabemgood to give on Mother-in-Law’s Day.

·         The Gasbag Plant.  This rascal grows in sunny and higher altitudes.  It has much the same appearance as a mature cabbage plant, and unwary hikers and campers have been known to either try to pick it or step on it.  Not a good idea.  The whole thing is filled with gas, like a balloon.  After the startling ‘pop’, you will be overwhelmed by the smell; a combination of puke, dirty diapers, and cheap aftershave.  The smell clings to clothing like barnacles to the Sea Hag.  The only way to remove the stench is to wash your clothes in lighter fluid and then give them to NASA to shoot into outer space for six years.  It’s almost cheaper to have them dry cleaned.

·         The Grumbleweed.  Found in the Western part of the United States, the Grumbleweed is attracted to the underside of your vehicle while it is parked.  Botanists think that the combination of oil and heat is what calls to them.  Be that as it may; if you leave your car or truck unattended for any length of time in places like Utah and parts of California, Grumbleweeds will sail underneath your vehicle’s chassis with the least breeze in less time than it takes to write a Stephen King novel.  We recommend you light them on fire to get rid of them (and don’t tell your insurance company about it when you file your claim).

·         Woodwort.  This is not really a plant, but a giant and aggressive fungus that sprouts after a heavy rain, taking on the shape of a food truck – even mimicking the smell of street tacos!  Famished hikers who rush up to the Woodwort and attempt to place an order with a side of fried zucchini are sucked inside and never seen again.  The best way to tell the difference between a Woodwort and a real food truck is that the Woodwort looks a lot cleaner.  

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written by Tim Torkildson